Monday, February 10, 2014

Let's Be Honest. Starkly Honest.

    Why hello there, blogging world friends!
    (Yeah, I generally consider people friends even if I don't know them. Ironic, since I'm pretty much an introvert of introverts, but, hey, why not see friends in people? Nice to meet you, I like you already!).
    Ahem. I can be a bit zany, at least inside my head. On the outside, I'm kind of a cross between an awkward turtle and a statue, depending on the situation.
    As for why I started blogging, there are two reasons.
    1). What do you do when there's statistical mechanics homework to be done, but you're too muddy-headed from a lingering flu to do it? Clearly, you start a blog, whilst smoke from your roommates' dinners fills your apartment. But, of course, because no smoke alarm goes off, you ignore it in favor of valiantly battling your internet connection to get every last template detail right. (As an aside, their dinners turned out good anyways. I think something was wrong with the stove).
    2). The second reason is more serious, I suppose. I'm using this blog as a therapeutic, open journal of sorts, a place to bare my soul, and by baring my soul find my voice. I'd originally planned to be anonymous, because I'm, well, insecure and so scared of people. However, partially because I can't figure out how to manipulate my blog settings to anonymity, and partially because I know openness needs to happen in my life, I'm leaving my name up and I'll face what happens. Ideally, this practice of openness and voicing my thoughts will transfer into my life outside the Internet, too.
    I'm scared, people. I love people, but I'm scared of you. In fact, my fear of people, of judgement, contributed to a bout of anxiety and severe depression that nearly killed me last semester. And right now I'm like: why am I admitting this, it's obvious I'm so terribly weak, craving your approval - because I do - and oh-my-gosh what would my family and friends think if (when?) they see this, my confessions, my wounds and my weapons.
    But you know what? Maybe openness about my weaknesses is what I need. Because a weak person is no less a person than a strong person, so what's the point in a masquerade?
    So here I am, antidepressants on my countertop and weekly therapist meetings on my calendar, humbled, learning, growing, stretching out and up. Like a flower, free from classification: an adelaster.



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. My comment posted twice... so I deleted it... Turned out, I deleted the original... Drat.
    This is the gist of what I had!
    "Starkly honest eh?
    I sort of stumbled across your blog by mistake, or rather you posted it and I sorta love Blogspot, yet, I've fallen off my track with blogging. Yet hello there. :)
    Though, don't you think it would be sort of easy to find your personal blog if you plastered it on FB?"

    1. Aw, I'm sorry you deleted the original!
      Yes, I've made it pretty easy to find my blog. I guess that's part of my efforts to be honest - like, why hide from the people who know me if I'm trying to be more open/honest?
      Also, since apparently I know you outside of the Internet, do you mind me asking who you are? (If you're comfortable with a pseudonym, though, that's perfectly fine). Or do you have a blog that I can check out? I love blogs, too.

    2. lol Let's just say we crossed paths maybe... once, years ago. You were incredibly quite and I had much longer hair then. Since such time has passed my bridges were burned with your group and I sorta did my own thing. Yet, I still kept you on FB. I honestly don't know why but, at this rate, I think I'll be glad I did. Though, if you did your homework, you'd find me pretty easily...

    3. Thanks for the hint.
      I'm sorry about whatever happened with the "burned bridges," though I hope "your own thing" makes you happy! I'm glad you kept me on FB. :) It's nice to reconnect with people.
      I'm still incredibly quiet, ha-ha, but trying* to overcome the shyness part to it.

    4. Eh, supposedly stuff happens for a reason but I question it with a fierce fervor... is that the phrasing I want? I dunno. It's early! Though, I did have some delicious coffee...
      Though, good for you on the attempts to overcome your shyness. Baby steps right?

    5. Ha, I think the phrase "fierce fervor" is alliterative if nothing else. I like it.
      And yeah, I question that too. Sure, personally, I believe that God is God and God is good, but if we have free will, I think a lot of stuff might happen for no good reason...though it might be used for good in the end. If that makes sense. Point being, I identify with your question.
      Yes, baby steps. Two steps forward, one step back, all those good quotes. Ha-ha,

    6. I'll be honest. I'm quite the loser for alliteration. Though, looking back at my phrase, I question its accuracy. I think I misused "fervor". I'm going to have to Google it...
      There was this massive discussion in class my senior year of high school on free will or destiny. I'm pro-free will and the idea of free will.
      Lastly, it's all about progress... :)

    7. I enjoyed the link, thanks! I think next time I fail (which is fairly certain to be tomorrow, in lab), I'm going to start singing "keep moving fooooorward" to myself. :)

    8. I have another link... I like to work in movies and lyrics. It's fun!
      Though, that's awesome. Whatever keeps ya rollin'. 8)
      Lookin' forward to more posts. :D

    9. I'm quite fond of Bon Jovi. Thanks! :)