According to my medical reports, I've gained weight over the last year.
I originally requested my doctor not to reveal my weight to me. But then last Friday happened.
I frantically looked up my medical records online. I also searched how to lose 10 pounds in a week, and considered starving and dehydrating myself because, you know, water weight.
I tend to use food as my comfort. Sugary food. Like frosting. I <3 frosting. Cake drowning in frosting.
Well, apparently that,
And I want it off. I'm tired of pinching my fat and wearing loose skirts and oversized pants because I can't look at myself in a mirror anymore.
I'm tired of being terrified to wear a bathing suit.
I'm disturbed that I still envy the anorexic girls I pass on the street, with their thigh gaps and frail arms.
I know that weight is not sexy. But it always felt comfortable for me (even though I could probably lose half my body weight and never have a thigh gap).
I thought I was done with this.
It's easy to scream and blame the jerk who catcalled me for my "big booty" Friday night. But I have to admit these feelings - these feelings of self-revulsion and insecurity, the appeal of 1200 calories a day, and the fond memories of being stick skinny - were brewing for a while. I guess the sexist jerk just brought them to the surface quicker.
At least I've learned to appreciate my reddish hair and blue eyes and even to like my face, which I never did before. I'm gaining a personality and I love chemistry and I love writing. I especially love people.
It's a start. A good start, I hope.
But it's not an end. Which means I'll have head to back to my counselor and have a conversation about something I thought was over and done.
But this cycle needs to end like my neighbor's music. I don't want this, not really. I know the damage to my mind soul is a hefty price that will never be worth it.
Yeah, there's no real point to this post. Other than honesty, which I hope is a bigger deal than I feel it is. Edit: yes, there is a point. Sometimes saying stuff, the hard and sticky secret stuff, aloud can reduce the secret's power.
So, no, old and new eating disorder temptations, you don't have absolute power over me. I prefer to give my power to Jesus and help others with it, not starve myself. Kthnxbye.