My Worst Nightmares

Trigger warning for eating disorders and abuse.

    I figured out how to fly in middle school. And to this day, I still use that magic necklace.
    On a thin gold chain hangs a small, rounded rectangular stone encapsulated in crenelated gold. The colors are mystifying, innocent swirls of pink and cream. But when you place your forefinger on it, the stone churns blood red, and as long as your finger stays there, you stay invisible, and you can fly.
    Hey - flying is hard work - you have to tread the air like swimming, but it's worth it, to rise above the trees and see the birds whizz past your face.
    The best part, however, is the invisibility. No one can even feel you. No sword can hurt you, and if you touch someone else, you can bring them under the safety of invisibility.
    This necklace has won wars, certainly, but it's also the necklace I invoke in all my nightmares. Whether I'm chased by a human murderer or an orc, I can invoke the necklace, and I and those I love will be safe.
    I'm not sure how I remember to do this in my nightmares, but I do.
    In my nightmares, hiding is the only safe spot.

 
    Yet the worst nightmares lack stalkers and a hungry Tyrannosaurus Rex. The worst nightmares aren't solved by my necklace, because in my worst nightmares, I would have to hide from myself.

     I've been begging for reassurance about my weight since I was eight. And I've been having nightmares for almost as long.
    Because there's so much safety promised in hiding. The monsters can't get us. People can't judge our love handles and hips. People can't know we're rotting inside.
    But in these nightmares I know I am, and there's no hiding from myself.
    In these nightmares, the fear isn't what the monsters will do to me. There are no monsters, only people. People who see me despite my efforts to hide.
    They see me, and they reject me because I have grown fat.
    They use my weight as an excuse to hurt me.
    In my dreams, my own parents lament what they have done wrong to produce a fat daughter. They're almost as repulsed by me as I am by myself.
    In my dreams, a stranger torments me over my thighs and I retaliate - violently. Then the stranger says it's okay, he or she knows what it's like to be fat like me. But there's no comfort in their words, because I hate myself so much.
    I'm trapped, I'm trapped, I'm trapped - in my dreams I want to shave off my fat with a knife, and I hate myself so much.
    And then I wake up.

    With an unsettled feeling in my stomach.
    And then I realize with relief: It was just a dream.
    No, I am not fat. I am not violent. And even if I were fat, the violence would be the problem. Not my weight. Weight can't add or subtract worth from me.
    But I still can't shake the unsettled feeling.

    There was an incident - I don't know if I was seven or eight or nine - when something very similar to my nightmares did happen. My parents got mad because I was too tired to take a walk after soccer practice. They ranted that I was getting chubby and they forced us to take a walk, and the entire time they berated us for the whole neighborhood to hear. To call the incident humiliating doesn't do it justice.
    For what it's worth, I was a rather thin kid. I think they were just mad about something else and took it out on me and my sister.
    But in my dreams, I am actually fat.

    Maybe that's why I'm writing this here. I don't know if anyone can relate to these nightmares (although probably you can), but maybe by telling you all about them, I can reduce their power.
    Because being what society deems fat or skinny doesn't mean squat in our lives. And health is, as I'm sure you all know, usually found in the middle anyways.
    But I can know and support all this for everyone else, and I do, yet my own feelings say something very different regarding myself. Inside, I feel shame every time I pull on pants.
    And so I will write it out here until the shame disappears.
    I won't be invisible, but maybe I can still fly. Figuratively, at least. :)

    And if you're trapped in nightmarish secrets and shame, I will pray for you and love you right where you are. I'd love to talk further, friends. <3
   
Love,
Kelley

*Please note that my parents are not bad people and I will not tolerate any disparaging comments towards them.

 
 

Stories That Changed My Life

    Okay, I'm a ravenous fiction addict, so... because I'm short on time and long on problem sets and procrastination, here's a list of ten books whose stories have continued to haunt/inspire me long after I finished reading them. Basically, they're novels that have changed my life. 

1. Crime and Punishment
    You don't want to know what I would do for half the writing mastery Fyodor Dostoevsky possessed. Seriously, who else can weave the story of an axe murderer's existential crisis under the guidance of a saintly prostitute, and keep it terribly beautiful? If you're filled with hatred of humanity, this story will both affirm your rage while stirring your hope in redemption.

    Quote: “Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.” 




2. Anna Karenina

    Russian Literature is where it's at, my friends. Ahem. Anyhow, Tolstoy himself esteemed Anna Karenina above War and Peace (which you should also read). The magnificent characters come across so intricately human you feel you could meet Anna or Lenin if you walked out your door. No human emotion and thought was too silly, wicked, idealistic, or noble for Tolstoy to record, and so I couldn't help but identify with all of his characters, noble or base. Plus, there's a portion of the story Tolstoy writes from a dog's the point of view, so all animal enthusiasts will have one more reason to love Anna Karenina.

    Quote: “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class - herself alone - had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.” 

3. Les Miserables
    What draws me to mercy? What draws me to showing compassion? Victor Hugo's iconic image of the Bishop of Digne freeing the thief Jean Valjean and giving him his most valuable items. The Gospel of Jesus is acted out through the Bishop, and his impact on Valjean's life is inspiring beyond words.
    Quote: "Before him he saw two roads, both equally straight; but he did see two; and that terrified him--he who had never in his life known anything but one straight line. And, bitter anguish, these two roads were contradictory.” 




4. Waiting for the Barbarians
   J.M. Coetzee's Nobel Prize winning novel is written in an enchantingly simple yet poetic prose. Too bad that's all that you'll find enchanting. A story set in no discernible time nor discernible location, where most characters have no names, Waiting for the Barbarians examines a man's struggle for morality as fear of the indigenous barbarians leads the Empire to dehumanize anyone who opposes them. It's graphically violent, graphically sexual, and above all graphically human. I've never had a novel make me cry and scream and cheer through my tears in one page. Read it when you need your heart broken.

    Quote: "‘Look!’ I shout. ‘We are the great miracle of creation! But from some blows this miraculous body cannot repair itself! How—!’ Words fail me.  ‘Look at these men!’ I recommence. ‘Men!’”

5. Frankenstein 
    Besides that Victor Frankenstein is a chemist (hehe), Mary Shelley's masterpiece has made me re-examine everything from my purpose in creating, my view of others, compassion and justice, to my view of God. Grim but so, so necessary - and convicting.

    Quote: "'Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemlance. Satan had his companions, fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and abhorred.'"



6. Harry Potter 
   I didn't read J.K. Rowling's epic series until last year because the whole witchcraft thing weirded me out. Then I read a story of love and good vs. evil in a world we all want to join (you can admit it). This story is peppered with stunningly complex characters like Severus Snape and Sirius Black, whom you love despite how uncomfortable their actions make you. Plus, Hermione is one of the greatest female characters of all time. She's a genius who shows you don't have to be kickass to get stuff done (not that kickass is bad, but, well, I'm just not). It'll rekindle your belief in good again. 

    Quote: “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

7. The Lord of the Rings
    As a writer of fantasy, of course I had to include Tolkien's renowned tale. Besides friendship and breathtaking world building (I am forever dissatisfied that we don't know much about Beluthiel's cats) Smeagol's fight with Gollum's very real addiction to the Ring transforms him from a pitiful character to someone most addicts can all identify with, however uncomfortable that may make us. Plus, the ending will leave you aching.

    Quote - "Not all those who wander are lost."




8. The Chronicles of Narnia
    My introduction to the wonderful world of fantasy began with C.S. Lewis's The Magician's Nephew, and I've yet to stop obsessing. Theological musings mixed with children's stories; how can it get better? And I found myself, like the many marvelous characters who undergo drastic change as the books progress, altered after reading these stories.

    Quote -  “'It is very true. But even a traitor may mend. I have known one who did.' And he looked very thoughtful.”

9. The Master and Margarita
    I've returned the list to Russian Literature, surprise. Mikhail Bulgakov's novel is bizarre and satirical, two things I don't normally enjoy. And I didn't enjoy them in The Master and Margarita, either. But I've kept coming back to this novel and all the questions it raised in the years following. I mean, when Satan's visit atheistic Russia becomes entangled with a married woman who wants to find her unjustly imprisoned lover, who happens to be writing a novel based on Jesus' crucifixion, masterful (pun intended) musings on theology, fantasy, Russian literature, and mercy are bound to occur.

    Plus there's this fantastic quote: “Follow me, reader! Who told you that there is no true, faithful, eternal love in this world! May the liar's vile tongue be cut out! Follow me, my reader, and me alone, and I will show you such a love!” 


10. A Voice in the Wind

    Francine Rivers' novel is technically classified as Christian literature, but I think that people of most religious beliefs could enjoy the story of a Jewish slave girl in Rome, who falls in love with her wildchild mistress's brother. The character development, especially in Julia Valerian, is flawless. Flawless, I tell you. I've never been so desperate over a character's choices.

    Quote: “'Can you see air you breathe? Can you see the force that moves the tides or changes the seasons or sends the birds to a winter haven?' Her eyes welled. 'Can Rome with all its knowledge be so foolish? Oh Marcus, you can't carve God in stone. You can't limit him to a temple. You can't imprison him on a mountaintop. Heaven is his throne; earth, his footstool. Everything you see is his. Empires will rise and empires will fall. Only God prevails.'" 

    Really, the list is a lot longer, but I stopped at ten. Now it is your turn, mwahaha - and you don't have to stop at ten, even! What stories have changed your life? 

Love,
Kelley