Doing It Raw and Ugly

***Apologies for not updating in a few days. I've been extremely sick (so any prayers/well-wishes my way are greatly appreciated). Soooo...I figured I'd just dump out my rawest thoughts for you to see. 
*** Warning: The title is not an exaggeration. Honesty was my goal for this blog, so honest and raw and ugly insides are what I'm spilling out here.

    When people speak of a God of love, I want so terribly to believe it. I want so terribly to believe God is alive, in the sky and the water and the earth and dancing fire. I want so terribly to believe in a God who loves all the humans He creates, and all the animals too, and, well, everything. I want God to be a Creator.
     But do I believe that? The God who hates sinners, the God who thinks me odious in my filthiness instead of me as someone in need, the God who regards gays and people who support gays as abominations, Who created woman as a minor character, Who is Holy Above All Else, including love - He's the god who has always seemed more real to me. Because the price to pay for being wrong is so, so severe. And while I tell myself I'd prefer hell than be with a Deity like that, I'm not sure I really mean it. Eternity burning alive is despair itself. And I've always liked playing it safe.
    The God who says true Christians must win the culture wars, that thanks me for no longer being able to identify as evangelical due to the pain of last week - he who rejoices when I will be thrown into hell, who enjoys creating people simply for destruction, he's the monster I must worship?
    Are you telling me I am more merciful and graceful than God?
    No, my views are just warped due to sin, right? And God's ways aren't mine, you know, that old cliche we use whenever we don't have a clue what's going on?
    Yes, I said that. Yes, I'm bitter, and hurt, cynical and confused, and did I mention this hurts so much, but you don't care about me, you just care that another false Christian is gone? As I bleed by the roadside and sob my guts out, you bid me good riddance?
    People say because I've done well and said, and yes, believed the right things, I'm a role model. Ha, look at me. So weak. So broken, dirty and bloodied, and you thank God I am gone.
    It's not about my belief. It never was.
    I'd like to be the bigger person, even though I'm a damned sinner. I'd like to offer you love and forgiveness, but honestly? I can't do it right now. There is no room in my heart that the pain hasn't overtaken.
    All I have is this: I don't wish harm on you and those like you. I hope you find the truth you seek. I hope I do too. 
    Nobody won this time. Just throwing that out there.
    My word. 
    I'll be out here looking for a God who isn't a monster, and you can worship yours, and maybe I'm wrong ... but with this amount of pain, maybe I'd rather stay that way. Maybe I'm in full out rebellion without knowing or wanting it. Who knows?
    God, any God who is there, the God who is love, I really, truly want you. I've met you before; I'm clinging to whatever it is, a dream or a hope or something that fit just where I needed it, that keeps me seeking you. Have you forsaken me? Where are you now? Please find me.
   
Kelley